RANT: Outrageous Requests
I get these kinds of
requests on a fairly frequent basis so I should not be
taken by surprise when I receive the next one. But I am,
and even if I mention to a potential client early in a
conversation that I turn down requests such as the
following... that person still makes an identical request.
Their requests are in
bold;
my silent thoughts in parentheses. I'm nicer to people in
person, but I'm allowed to be cranky in private.
1.
If you'll market my humor column I'll give you 10% of
whatever payment you can get me... but if you fail to sell
my column then I'll know you aren't any good.
(It couldn't
possibly be that your column isn't
marketable, could it? If your
column were any good, you'd be receiving payment already
from the college newspaper which has published it for
free for a year, wouldn't you?) I don't accept
these offers.
2.
So that I don't have to pay you a consulting fee would you
find a mentor for me in my hometown that will do what you
do, but for nothing? (Yeah, I'm going to
humiliate myself by seeking out someone I don't know to ask
them to work for free... not to mention work against my own
best interests by encouraging you not to
hire me.) Sheesh.
3.
My business is on the same street as yours and I want to
start a speaker agency like yours. Would you share with me
your business plan for your speaker agency?
(Sure, I'll
hand over almost 18 years' experience earned by
trial-and-error, deny myself the $2,500 I usually charge
for writing business plans, and forego the $5,000 fee I
charge for a 9 month speaker agent
apprenticeship.... so you can compete
with me for business.)
4.
Could I pick your brain over a cup of coffee about how to
market myself? (Tell you what... Throw in
a lunch at a nice restaurant
and $500
and I'll answer your marketing, promotion and money
questions for 90 minutes. Consulting is my profession.)
5.
Why do you have to charge for your advice, your writing and
your books? You're so greedy. Why can't you just give
people what they want for free out of the goodness of your
heart? (I guess I'm like this
because I didn't take a vow of poverty... and I can't
convince my mortgage lender to let me live free of charge
out of the goodness of his heart. Besides, the more money I
make, the more I can tithe to my foundation which helps the Hidden
Homeless. And the best thing I can do for the hidden
homeless is not be one of them. Besides - do I need to
keep saying it? - this is my profession.)
If you're a consultant who receives outrageous requests and
you feel like sharing (venting), use my feedback form and send them along to
me. I'll post them anonymously if you prefer and we can
have a good laugh together.
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